Heavy Heart

My heart is heavy at the moment, and with everything in me I want to run away, but, I know I can’t. I covet your prayers right now dearly.

There are several things going through my mind, my heart that I am struggling with. Sometimes God will give us dreams of things happening that in our waking hours we are clueless of. But, as He does show me things I will pray for the people because I am unsure of what He is showing me exactly.

Let me just give you a portion of my testimony and what the LORD has done in me.

A few months ago I had a few dreams of my dear friend Nikki, you may remember her she used to do podcasts with me, she used to post on here, and would read when I couldn’t. Then she moved out in Sept. 2021, and moved in with my daughter and I lost her, my daughter, grandchildren for a couple of years. It was very hard but our Heavenly Father did see me through, and taught me mighty lessons, as well as revealed many things in me that had to be removed and let go of. When I found out I had breast cancer in October 2022, I saw my grandchildren and daughter once in November of that year, as I invited all my family and Richards over for a big dinner to see them, honestly not knowing if I was going to live long. Then on May 25, 2023 I had undergone bilateral mastectomy. After surgery, Nikki started calling me, and she had invited Aunt Carol and I to go see a play put on by high schoolers then to dinner. It was very nice, and she asked me to forgive her for what she had done and I did. I did tell her that I was still so confused on what happened. She explained she was having impure thoughts about me again and that she loved me in a way that was sinful and she knew that it was wrong and has to leave, because she could not be the kind of Christian that I was. My heart was so broken to hear but I needed to know why things happened the way they did. I suppose in order to turn whatever kind of love she thought she had for me into a hate almost, she would have to hurt me and make me hate her. But when you are born again and have the Holy Spirit living within you, hating another does not suddenly happen overnight. Nikki, my daughter, and my daughters best friend after everything began to happen in July 2021, on September 17th decided i was suicidal and needed help. I was overwhelmed and hurt so deeply by messages I had read between the three about me, and how on Sept. 14, 2021 a day before my birthday that my daughter told me to get the F out of her house and leave. I was broken, seriously broken. I wanted to die, I absolute did want to. I wanted to be with my baby girl Savannah that had died, and my momma i wanted to no longer be here and hurt as I was hurting. Well, long story shorten, I was committed into a mental health hospital for 8 days, put on psych medication and abandoned by pretty much everyone. Richard took their side, poor Sis was just beside her self with worry and I pretty much isolated myself in my basement, crying, praying, crying, calling out to God to just kill me, to take my life please. Then slowly, He began to teach me things through arts and crafts…yes, you read that right, arts and crafts.

I still read outloud and posted stuff, but i was a broken down, humbled, lonely mess of a person. It started with building a house out of Amazon boxes. I had turned my focus on buying things, but I learned that does not bring you joy but debt instead. I would buy things for the house, Richard, and Sis, sometimes for myself but mainly just stuff. So, the boxes I began to use as well as all the boxes that I had saved from unpaking. You see when Nikki left there was still boxes, shelves, furniture in both bays of the garage and I had no one to help, except the ONE AND ONLY ONE THAT COULD HELP and regardless of the three kinds of arthritis, fibromyalgia, degenerated disk, diabetes, neuropathy, God gave me the strength and ability carry it or slide it down the stairs to the basement. Then He gave me the strength to move all of the can food we had done, and all the dry goods we had collected from one room to the other and in the boiler room I set up a work room. So I started first with a large table, I gathered many pictures of my children and grandchildren and glued them on it, then I put epoxy over them and preserved them. Then, I finished hanging pretty pink roses wall paper, and for the first time used a tape measure in order to put up pictures so it looked nice. I say this because I never before took time or patience to do anything in my life ever. But God was teaching me patience, doing things in an orderly way, and right the first time rather than be in a hurry as I always had done things. I had found a large poker table on the side of the road and actually somehow put it in Sis’s van by myself and brought in home. Now, it was time to learn to build from ground up, a house out of boxes. Next I built a barn, then a winter wonderland, an outhouse, a church, a bowling alley, everything for the most part in these things were made from boxes, and painted. Next I went from a medium scale to a larger scale and built the Tent of Tabernacle in the wilderness that Moses had built. That was pretty exciting for me, and during it I had to keep my eyes on the Holy Scriptures and boy did I pray all of the time. Then I bought two male dolls and made clothes for a High Priest with the ephod, everything as well as the mitre, i made a beard and glued black hair on them as well, the other one i made a linen garment and a mitre. They did not resemble a Ken doll anymore lol. Someone gave me the idea to make an Ark and that was the largest project and probably the most expensive as well. I wanted to give it to a young man that has autism and I wanted to make sure it had a lot of animals, insects, birds etc in it for him. Over time God was healing my wounds, but as with grief, waves of hurt, pain, agony would come splashing in my heart like a tidal wave from nowhere and would render me immobile for a few days admittingly.

After the ark was done, I now had no idea what to do with myself. I still cried almost every day, then I would ask God to forgive me and find something else to keep me busy. I then began to change my box refrigerated truck into a home on wheels. I wanted something to live in and leave, I wanted to leave everyone and just go. Again God gave me the strength to be able to literally clean that truck out, hang drywall, put shelves in it and secure them onto the walls, decorated it, put a hidden table on the wall, a metal table so I could use a burner on it to cook with, i bought a foot powered sink that you put water in the the bottom, pump your foot and it came out of the faucet, a portable toilet with a tank below that held waste, and I figured I could use the gray water from the sink into the toilet in order to flush. I bought solar water bags in order to heat up water for cleaning and showering. I put in a pallet and on top of that a small kiddie pool as a shower, under the pallot a tank for the water so i could then empty it.

Again I tell you this stuff not to brag on me, but to boast in the LORD if He had not given me the ability I never could have done any of this. This was all apart of my healing as well as learning you can only lean on the LORD and never on the arm of flesh.

Sis found a kitten for me if I wanted one and we went to pick it up, we left with two of them. They filled my day and nights with a lot of joy and love. I had no idea that I could love an animal like those two honestly. Over time Sis’s health began to deteriorate, and more than once I thought she was going to die. Oh my heart broke and being honest i was being selfish, she was all I had I had no one else in this life no one. Richard was my friend yes, but he still was pretty distant toward me he was pretty much convinced everything was my fault and Nikki and Jessica was probably justified. Because after all I looked like a crazy conspiracy theorist in his mind. So, i quit talking with him about things because sometimes it is best to just keep it in your heart. As time went by he has noticed how wrong he was, but, i am still learning to keep somethings to myself.

In Oct. 2022 I was diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time, a strong stage 3. Sis was in and out of the hospitals now and things seemed just not worth it again. My daughter started talking to me again my son never stopped talking to me but just never talked to me because of a busy life himself and his wife. That is when I made everyone a large meal bought everyone a gift that for the first time ever i spent literally hours picking out and making sure it came from my heart and expressed my love for each and everyone. Before I never put real thought into a gift I would just buy a lot of nonsense really. That was the Saturday after Thanksgiving. In May I had surgery, and felt self pity because neither one of my children came for it or visited me even afterwards. Richard took me to appointments and took me for surgery. It was during this time our friendship grew and I am thankful for it. Sis grew worse, and worse. I moved my room upstairs because of the surgery, and then realized i could not keep my cats i started breaking out, could not have them in my room because they could hurt me by jumping on me and i just could not afford them anymore either. I tried though for a few months to hold on to them. As I stated it was during this time Nikki started coming around, and confessed to me why everything happened and i thought she was returning to the LORD. She talked about it, I would call her up and talk about things I was learning or ask her thoughts etc. In September 2023 Sis died, my heart was tore out, i was broken. But i thought well at least Nikki is returning to the LORD and I will have my friend again. But no.

Richard was diagnosed with prostate cancer and things really began to change once again. Nikki quit talking to me pretty much unless she needed something, Sis was gone, I had not seen my daughter or grandchildren again going on a year. I saw my son and his wife once or twice and then silence for weeks or months. Everything God had taught me, shown me, and purged me from was not lost though. I struggled oh my I struggled but I held one and would encourage myself in Him. I got everyone to agree to going out for dinner in Jan. 2024 all the children, grandchildren, Nikki, Aunt Carol and Richard and myself. It was very nice and blessed me greatly to actually see and feel my grandchildren and my daughter again. It seems though after that dinner everyone once against kinda shrank back away. It is now July 2024 I have not seen my grandchildren since Jan. I have saw my son and his wife twice and my daughter twice, Nikki quit talking to me.

This brings it all back to now, I have been having dreams, not good dreams. In my dreams Nikki was doing great sin and I would get so angry at her in my dream and actually lash out at her! Well that is not okay, so i would wake up and be so hurt and shamed that I would do that. I would ask for forgiveness and then pray for Nikki, for salvation and ask God to forgive her. Today Nikki called me, and said she knows I am going to be mad at her, and probably never talk to me again but she needed to tell me something. I said, i wont get mad and we basically do not talk anyway so go ahead and tell me, its okay. She told me she has a girlfriend and she is very happy though she knows it is wrong. I sat here in silence for a few, not sure what to say because it was my dream. I finally said, I already knew that, that God showed me in a dream. I do not hate her and I am not mad at her, but, I am saddened that she would slap Jesus in the face and throw the Holy Spirit to the curb but it was not a surprise to me. I told her that a pig returns to the mire a dog to his vomit and when we return to our sin we become 7 times worse, so it is not a surprise. She kept saying she knows it is wrong but she is happy, i told her to do her, do what makes you happy it is her choice and God has given us all free will. I did tell her i do not want to talk to her, but if she ever needs prayer and she will to call me and i will pray for her. But to know and understand that when her life begins to fall around her, when trouble comes to her children and family to remember that she did this by walking away from God. She said its so funny how God shows me things that He is like that, I said to her to please not speak Gods Name in that way that it leaves a bad taste and she said, yes to speak it gives me a bad taste. I then told her that she had a demon she said, I don’t think I do. I said, when you decided to cut your hair short like a man, get tattoos, and piercings on your face acting like a big brutish male you invited demons in and yes you have a demon. She sat in silence because she knows. I said anyone that has tasted the good gift of the precious Holy Spirit and walk away and say live like this and say they are happy though they know it is wrong has a demon. And that I will not talk with her anymore unless she has mail here and if she needs prayer i will pray but i am walking away now.

People may think I was wrong, harsh, or unloving but I love her so very much, but i cannot be around one who is now mocking God or has given so many that hate God that she witnessed to a reason to continue to hate Him now, I just cannot. I never raised my voice, I never expressed anger, but i am broken inside right now over this. I really, really am.

Then last night the realization that I am pretty much solo on this earth, is when I told Richard about a sister in Christ from Illinois was shot in the face by a police officer after she rebuked him in the Name of Jesus. That he told her to go and turn off the water on the stove that they didn’t want a fire in there? Which makes little to no sense to say that, then when she went to do it he backs away as if in position of defense? She senses his strange behavior and says, I rebuke you in Jesus Name and he gets angry cusses at her and says i will blow your face off…and he did just that! This is the time we are living in! Well, Richard tried to make excuse and said its just one officer and I said, uh no there was two there and then another one walked in asked what happen and the guy literally said, she rebuked me in the name of Jesus and came at me with boiling water and I shot her!!! HE LIED!!! and the other officer did not call him out! Well, Richard completely shut down and turned his tv up.

I went in my room and said, Father I really have no one in this life but You no one. The memory of me calling him asking for a loan to get away and think that night before i was picked up by the police and committed seems so fresh now. If I say anything that he thinks crazy in his mind then he will rationalize in his mind i need help…

If you have but 1 person in your life that you can talk to, confide in, pray with, talk about scripture, or current events relating to scripture, then you need to know how truly blessed you really are. If you have someone that will offer a shoulder an ear a hug you are blessed. If you have someone that will encourage, edify, correct and help carry the load you are blessed.

I have brothers and sisters in Christ that I talk with, but, i have never personally met them in person, I have never seen how they live, i do not know them personally all i know is what they show of themselves online. And all they know about me is the same.

Just in tears right now so much on my mind and in my heart.